Funny that it was not until recently
that I started thinking about and examining how relationships are built. I find it hard to have strong lasting
relationships. My personality has sharp
edges. Sooner rather than later I am
probably going to just piss you off. I
don't intend to be edgy and difficult. I
just am. Post-menopause certainly
doesn't help my lack of a warm and fuzzy disposition. One thing I have come to understand is that
in order to have good relationships with others, I have to work at it since it
doesn't come naturally for me.
One of my sons just returned home
from New Zealand after serving as an expatriate for three years. Our family chatter is currently revolving
around his relationships. It is this
talk about his relationships that has prodded me to take a stark look at my own
relationships and especially with my
children. Since my three sons were born
in 1979 and 1980, I have made it my quest to try and have good relationships
with them. I was great when they were
little. I sucked when they were
teenagers and I am trying hard with them as adults. I like them and I enjoy spending time around
them. I want them to feel welcome and
want to come home now and then. It is important to me that they know they have
a mom who loves and accepts them as they are at this moment in time.
They are all great story tellers
since they have been out to see the world and have lived to come back and tell
about it. They have good souls and are
kind and generous. All three have their
trials and tribulations and struggle with life in different ways. They are good men and I am proud to be their
mother.
We kid a lot about them taking
care of me when I get old and unable to care for myself. I make them promise to give me ice
cream. I've thought about this since I
was little. My mother was cruel, unkind and unfeeling toward me. I remember as a small child telling her that
she would regret being so mean spirited when she grew old. We were not on speaking terms when she
died. She had burned her mother card
many years before she grew feeble. I
didn't have much training on how to be a good mother so I've had to improvise
along the way with my own children. I've
stumbled many times and I've had to apologize and ask for forgiveness along the
way. I wish I could have guided them
better. I wish I had more words of
wisdom to offer them. I've found that I
am not all that wise. I don't have any
money to offer to make their lives easier and more comfortable. I am not rich. I often have to stand by and
watch as they suffer in life with little help to offer except I am there if
they need me. I hope it is enough.
I have found that with each
conversation we have, our understanding of one another is a little richer for
having taken the time to talk and to listen.
I've noticed that when I offer my hand to help them in whatever way that
I can, the trust between us is a little stronger. When I respect them as human beings and
accept them as they are that they seem to reflect back that respect to me. I am a true believer that respect is not
given but earned and it takes a whole heck of a lot of work to earn it. Respect is when you have a deep admiration
for someone. How can a child have a deep
admiration for a parent if that parent is always unkind to them, if that parent
takes every opportunity to tear them down or is always wanting the child to be
something different? If the parent
doesn't respect and admire the child, how can the child respect and admire the
parent? It is a path that has to go both
ways.
They are in their 30's and I'm in
my 50's. I still look at them and wonder
how they will be as they grow older and if all will be OK. I trust it will.
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